Optimal Grieving

One of my best friends tells me that I'm able to do what is necessary at the time when it is necessary. He says it's a form of optimization -- channeling the necessary focus, energy and attention to the tasks at hand and then recharging and recovering during the gaps.

So I ask myself: when is the optimal time for grieving?

Waves

My life feels like waves of shame that come crashing against the shores of my ego. And yet opposing these forces, there are extraordinary individuals (and cats) and punctuated moments of joy that shore me up. Is this how it's supposed to be?

Better Late than Never

So it begins.

Another opportunity for me to reflect, learn, grow, evolve and decide. To explore more fully what I need or want. To understand if I've decided to reach this point or arrived here and tried to convince myself it is success and happiness. To embrace Kurt Vonnegut's wisdom that "we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

I'm tired of these opportunities.

I'm tired of running from the demons of my past. I miss deeply the angels Maya and Tabitha who filled my life with compassion. From the movie Excalibur: "I didn't know how empty was my soul... until it was filled. " I still haven't had enough pauses between the frantic moments of life to fully mourn their loss. The thread between the feelings of loss from their passing to other losses in my life is tangible and clear, yet also fragile and tenuous. In their case, my compassion was unrestrained, unconditionally accepted and reciprocated. I thought this was true with...now I suppose I will find out.

Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living" but he didn't mention the difficulty of examining of one's life. What will happen when my mind and heart stop racing? When I stop, pause, be still, reflect without immediately thinking of someone else's needs?

The intensity with which I live has not been about passionately living in the moment. It has been about proving myself to others. I'm done proving myself to others. Lao-Tzu's statement seems especially appropriate: "Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power."

I could chalk all of this up to a mid-life crisis but that wouldn't do justice to the series of crises I have encountered throughout my life. What I do know is that the most important quote -- and hope -- for me is captured by "better late than never."