UC Davis - Shame on You

On February 27, 2010, I wrote a blog post about riots near Berkeley. I noted that students who rioted ought to consider other options. I also noted the stark, jarring image of a line of riot police standing in front of a Bank of America symbol in the background. I wondered how this meme might transform over time. I find it disconcerting to say the least that responses to outrage against financial "services" companies have reached our current state of being.

The UC Davis pepper spray incident is horrific. Seeing students sitting peacefully in an act of protest -- and expression -- only to be pepper sprayed by a police officer apparently sanctioned by the University administration makes me angry. And it's not as if the other police on the scene -- armed for a massive riot scene rather than a student protest -- acted much better. The most passionate response from the students and onlookers was to yell "shame on you."

Apparently, UC Davis' Chancellor, Linda Katehi, was frightened about a "walk of shame" that students had planned for her as she walked to her car. She asked a minister to walk with her and intervene in terms of clearing out a wider path. The students apparently greeted her in silence that spoke volumes. No doubt the students who were pepper sprayed, dragged around, shoved to the ground and hauled away were frightened as well. Who came to their rescue? The only ones who haven't been offensive in this picture are the students. Katehi was afraid of them? Everyone has a right to be safe and secure but she had no evidence of impending confrontation. Is this her idea of leadership?

Katehi apparently mentioned the lack of options for handling the initial protest. How about talking to the students? You know, the ones whose welfare and interests you're supposed to represent and protect.

Shame on you.

Optimal Grieving

One of my best friends tells me that I'm able to do what is necessary at the time when it is necessary. He says it's a form of optimization -- channeling the necessary focus, energy and attention to the tasks at hand and then recharging and recovering during the gaps.

So I ask myself: when is the optimal time for grieving?

Waves

My life feels like waves of shame that come crashing against the shores of my ego. And yet opposing these forces, there are extraordinary individuals (and cats) and punctuated moments of joy that shore me up. Is this how it's supposed to be?

Better Late than Never

So it begins.

Another opportunity for me to reflect, learn, grow, evolve and decide. To explore more fully what I need or want. To understand if I've decided to reach this point or arrived here and tried to convince myself it is success and happiness. To embrace Kurt Vonnegut's wisdom that "we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

I'm tired of these opportunities.

I'm tired of running from the demons of my past. I miss deeply the angels Maya and Tabitha who filled my life with compassion. From the movie Excalibur: "I didn't know how empty was my soul... until it was filled. " I still haven't had enough pauses between the frantic moments of life to fully mourn their loss. The thread between the feelings of loss from their passing to other losses in my life is tangible and clear, yet also fragile and tenuous. In their case, my compassion was unrestrained, unconditionally accepted and reciprocated. I thought this was true with...now I suppose I will find out.

Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living" but he didn't mention the difficulty of examining of one's life. What will happen when my mind and heart stop racing? When I stop, pause, be still, reflect without immediately thinking of someone else's needs?

The intensity with which I live has not been about passionately living in the moment. It has been about proving myself to others. I'm done proving myself to others. Lao-Tzu's statement seems especially appropriate: "Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power."

I could chalk all of this up to a mid-life crisis but that wouldn't do justice to the series of crises I have encountered throughout my life. What I do know is that the most important quote -- and hope -- for me is captured by "better late than never."

Illumination

Take 1.

6am...i should have stayed overnight in philly...i'm not a morning person...why do i do this to myself?...damn alarm...if i hit snooze, i can get another 8 minutes of sleep, but is it worth it?...my cat's awake and he's already asking me for food...has he been fed already?...i need to eat before i leave but i'm not really hungry...damn, i don't have enough time to shower!...what am i going to wear...great, my shirt is fraying on the front...will i find a cab at this time?...i arrive 20 minutes before my train...i could have hit snooze at least one more time...i'll sleep in the quiet car...great, i sat on the sunrise side...and the curtain doesn't block the light!...WHAT IS THAT DAMN RATTLING NOISE?!?!?...it must be the food tray next to me...no, maybe it's the foot rest...IT WON'T STOP!...i'll ignore it...oh man, now the sun is really in my eyes...i can't sleep...i might as well check my email...

I feel so irritated.

Take 2.

6am...it's early but at least i'm in my own bed...i am so lucky to wake up to my favorite music on a mobile device that fits in my pocket...snooze is a great way to ease into the waking world...my wonderful cat always waits until i'm awake to greet me with a morning song...i hope i get to see his expression when he gets his first food of the day...i am so lucky to get food whenever i want it, however i want it, wherever i want it...i am so lucky to have access to clean water whenever i want it, however i want it, wherever i want it...i am so lucky to never have to worry about clothing...i have more pairs of shoes than most people in the world have sets of clothes...i can either take a cab or take the university shuttle...the shuttle is just pulling up in front of my house...i'm here in plenty of time so i can sit and relax...maybe i can sleep on the train...the sun is rising...color, light and warmth return to the world...there's a rattling sound...i can't sleep...there's no new email...why would there be so early in the day?...i'll listen to music...as i close my eyes, i can feel the sunlight on my face...

I feel so blessed.

The rattling sound has ended. What could have eliminated it? It couldn't possibly come from me...I know it's true.

Keeping Some Perspective

During my most recent business trip, I stayed in a Hilton hotel. As I was checking out, someone in the line next to me was complaining about his free breakfast vouchers. Apparently, this individual is a Hilton Honors Diamond member so he has achieved the highest level of status within Hilton's frequent guest program. He was complaining that they had offered him only free continental breakfast vouchers. He wanted to verify that this offer was indeed their current policy before complaining to the manager.

I have experienced firsthand the effects of frequent traveler program attachment. So I speak as a recovering "elite" member, as someone who viewed special status as a way to validate myself.

By many estimates, about 20,000 children will die today as a result of malnutrition, starvation, dehydration, lack of access to water, treatable diseases, parental abuse or a host of other factors beyond their control. There is a famine taking place in Somalia at the moment though the only news agency that seems to notice is Al Jazeera. For these people, a free continental breakfast voucher would be more valuable than diamonds.

Through a TEDx presentation, Brene Brown offered touching insights about vulnerability. How suppressing our vulnerability is essentially suppressing our humanity and our ability to experience joy and connect with others. That we are worthy not despite our vulnerability but because of it.

And about the things we do or say when we deny our vulnerability -- like complaining about breakfast vouchers.