Waves

My life feels like waves of shame that come crashing against the shores of my ego. And yet opposing these forces, there are extraordinary individuals (and cats) and punctuated moments of joy that shore me up. Is this how it's supposed to be?

Better Late than Never

So it begins.

Another opportunity for me to reflect, learn, grow, evolve and decide. To explore more fully what I need or want. To understand if I've decided to reach this point or arrived here and tried to convince myself it is success and happiness. To embrace Kurt Vonnegut's wisdom that "we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

I'm tired of these opportunities.

I'm tired of running from the demons of my past. I miss deeply the angels Maya and Tabitha who filled my life with compassion. From the movie Excalibur: "I didn't know how empty was my soul... until it was filled. " I still haven't had enough pauses between the frantic moments of life to fully mourn their loss. The thread between the feelings of loss from their passing to other losses in my life is tangible and clear, yet also fragile and tenuous. In their case, my compassion was unrestrained, unconditionally accepted and reciprocated. I thought this was true with...now I suppose I will find out.

Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living" but he didn't mention the difficulty of examining of one's life. What will happen when my mind and heart stop racing? When I stop, pause, be still, reflect without immediately thinking of someone else's needs?

The intensity with which I live has not been about passionately living in the moment. It has been about proving myself to others. I'm done proving myself to others. Lao-Tzu's statement seems especially appropriate: "Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power."

I could chalk all of this up to a mid-life crisis but that wouldn't do justice to the series of crises I have encountered throughout my life. What I do know is that the most important quote -- and hope -- for me is captured by "better late than never."

Illumination

Take 1.

6am...i should have stayed overnight in philly...i'm not a morning person...why do i do this to myself?...damn alarm...if i hit snooze, i can get another 8 minutes of sleep, but is it worth it?...my cat's awake and he's already asking me for food...has he been fed already?...i need to eat before i leave but i'm not really hungry...damn, i don't have enough time to shower!...what am i going to wear...great, my shirt is fraying on the front...will i find a cab at this time?...i arrive 20 minutes before my train...i could have hit snooze at least one more time...i'll sleep in the quiet car...great, i sat on the sunrise side...and the curtain doesn't block the light!...WHAT IS THAT DAMN RATTLING NOISE?!?!?...it must be the food tray next to me...no, maybe it's the foot rest...IT WON'T STOP!...i'll ignore it...oh man, now the sun is really in my eyes...i can't sleep...i might as well check my email...

I feel so irritated.

Take 2.

6am...it's early but at least i'm in my own bed...i am so lucky to wake up to my favorite music on a mobile device that fits in my pocket...snooze is a great way to ease into the waking world...my wonderful cat always waits until i'm awake to greet me with a morning song...i hope i get to see his expression when he gets his first food of the day...i am so lucky to get food whenever i want it, however i want it, wherever i want it...i am so lucky to have access to clean water whenever i want it, however i want it, wherever i want it...i am so lucky to never have to worry about clothing...i have more pairs of shoes than most people in the world have sets of clothes...i can either take a cab or take the university shuttle...the shuttle is just pulling up in front of my house...i'm here in plenty of time so i can sit and relax...maybe i can sleep on the train...the sun is rising...color, light and warmth return to the world...there's a rattling sound...i can't sleep...there's no new email...why would there be so early in the day?...i'll listen to music...as i close my eyes, i can feel the sunlight on my face...

I feel so blessed.

The rattling sound has ended. What could have eliminated it? It couldn't possibly come from me...I know it's true.

Keeping Some Perspective

During my most recent business trip, I stayed in a Hilton hotel. As I was checking out, someone in the line next to me was complaining about his free breakfast vouchers. Apparently, this individual is a Hilton Honors Diamond member so he has achieved the highest level of status within Hilton's frequent guest program. He was complaining that they had offered him only free continental breakfast vouchers. He wanted to verify that this offer was indeed their current policy before complaining to the manager.

I have experienced firsthand the effects of frequent traveler program attachment. So I speak as a recovering "elite" member, as someone who viewed special status as a way to validate myself.

By many estimates, about 20,000 children will die today as a result of malnutrition, starvation, dehydration, lack of access to water, treatable diseases, parental abuse or a host of other factors beyond their control. There is a famine taking place in Somalia at the moment though the only news agency that seems to notice is Al Jazeera. For these people, a free continental breakfast voucher would be more valuable than diamonds.

Through a TEDx presentation, Brene Brown offered touching insights about vulnerability. How suppressing our vulnerability is essentially suppressing our humanity and our ability to experience joy and connect with others. That we are worthy not despite our vulnerability but because of it.

And about the things we do or say when we deny our vulnerability -- like complaining about breakfast vouchers.

Smile for the Camera

I visited the American Visionary Arts Museum (AVAM) yesterday. My neurons are still firing. I spent a lot of time at their current exhibition "What Makes Us Smile" that featured an examination of the "architecture of joy." I read about "primitive" cultures that apparently begin arguments by laughing together so everyone is reminded of their shared bonds and common cause. Of course, "advanced" societies would never do something silly like that. Imagine a UN resolution that required all the factions in Libya to laugh with each other. Dropping bombs and firing cruise missiles is so much more effective.

While walking about the exhibition, I heard Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings, which seemed an odd choice. I discovered it is the soundtrack for a short film called "Where the Smiling Ends" by Andi Olsen. I was spellbound. Olsen's film captures the moments after people stop smiling while posing for photographs at Trevi Fountain in Rome. People from all over the planet. The vast majority of people stop smiling, lower their head, withdraw, or even look sad. There are exceptions of people who manage to maintain their smile and joy but most people seem to fade after the photograph of their smile has been captured.

I've heard it so many times: "Smile for the camera." Why? Will the camera be offended if I don't smile? Will you be offended if I don't smile? Will it ruin the photograph? Or the moment? What if I don't feel like smiling?

I found this post at eHow: How to Smile for the Camera.

While I find this post odd, I agree wholeheartedly with these two statements:

The secret is to be relaxed, honest and genuine.
Laugh with sincerity.

Which makes me wonder. How am I supposed to be relaxed, honest, genuine and sincere on demand? In fact, how am I supposed to be relaxed, honest, genuine and sincere at all?

I've had the great fortune and pleasure to visit Trevi Fountain. I don't know if I took any photographs in front of the fountain. What I do remember is sharing a gelato with my wife by the side of the fountain and hearing "In My Place" by Coldplay for the first time. Those are good memories, ones that bring a smile to my face even now. The smile relates to a person, a moment, not the place itself.

Joy is a feeling. A smile is a reflection of joy. I don't know how to describe an architecture of joy but Olsen's film reminds me that people from all cultures want to feel joy but struggle to hold onto it. But we need to understand this architecture and build from it. Instead of smiling for the camera, let's smile for each other. Because I believe a feeling of joy, a genuine smile and a laugh with sincerity are key ingredients to a relaxed interaction between people regardless of culture, language, or even religion.

As one of the signs at the exhibition stated:

"Our fifteen years of thematic exhibitions here at the American Visionary Art Museum can be distilled into one effort: To destroy the illusion that we are somehow over here, and the rest of the world over there."

Tabitha

Rest in Peace Tabitha.

You woke up my compassion at a time when I thought it was a weakness. You showed me compassion during one of my darkest hours. Ours was a classic case of asking who rescued whom.

I miss you.